Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
