I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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