I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
