we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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