Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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