I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
