I cannot find my penis.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
