chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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