i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
