someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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