Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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