Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
