apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I want to fling myself into the sun
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
