Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
