I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
