I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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