member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
