I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
