i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
