My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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