Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
