ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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