I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
