haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
