I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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