I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Too much gin, very little bucket
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
