Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
