watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
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It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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