What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
