just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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