im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
