Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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