there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
