We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
