my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
