mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
