She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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