woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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