You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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