Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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