My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
