There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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