That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
