Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
