What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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