last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
