I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
