Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
