What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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