i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
