Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
