It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
