My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
