Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think I won the penis lottery.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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