my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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