3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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