My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
